It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents – except when checked by a mighty wind from one of “The Real Housewives of Orange County.” The gust swept the Orange Country streets, rattled along the housetops of the housewives, and fiercely agitated the flames of their beefs and grudges amid the darkness.
With apologies to the late not-so-great English novelist Edward Bulwer-Lytton, it really is raining up a storm as the housewives arrive for a party thrown by Tamra Judge that involves a night of games – and murrrr-der!
It’s a Scottish party, not to be confused with the Scottish play, which means everyone has arrived dressed in their finest red tartan plaids and black tam o’ shanters – tams o’ shanter? – oh let’s just call ’em Scottish berets.
Weird stuff starts to happen right away. Like, the show morphs from Bravo’s “Real Housewives” into the Peaco*ck reality series “The Traitors” for no reason other than Tamra had been on “The Traitors,” got eliminated early, and wanted to play some more with her fellow housewives.
Oh, who are we kidding? Bravo and Peaco*ck are both part of NBC and “The Traitors,” which is hosted by Scottish actor Alan Cumming in Scotland, got renewed for a fourth and fifth season this month. Mmm-hmm, smell that corporate synchronicity, baby!
Teddi Mellencamp, Tamra’s podcast partner, plays the Cumming role with a vaguely menacing affect. Formerly in the cast of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” Teddi might live in a pink house like her daddy John sang about, but it’s definitely not little.
“Welcome, housewives and Vicki,” Teddi says, and yes, that’s a very intentional dig at Vicki Gunvalson, one of the original “Real Housewives of Orange County,” who was let go by the show a few seasons back. Vicki glares at her.
“That’s rude!” Heather Dubrow tut-tuts.
One of the eight wives is secretly named the traitor; the other seven have to figure it out before they are “murdered.” But first, drinks! The bartenders on the back patio are featuring something called a Dark Traitor Margarita – no idea – and before the game is fully afoot several of the housewives step aside to make peace with each other.
Emily Simpson apologizes to Jenn Pedranti for being such a meanie to her so far this season. Heather invites Katie Ginella to go on a wives’ trip to Sonoma but cuts her right off when Katie tries to explain herself again in the hopefully now-closed Case of the Called Paparazzi.
Tamra, Vicki and Shannon Storms Beador make up as well. Tamra had quit the professional side of their friendship – the comedy, or “comedy,” trio the Tres Amigas – but they agree to resume their friendship now, sealing with that cringey little dance routine from the original “Three Amigos” movie.
The game gets underway with Teddi quizzing the players from questionnaires they’d earlier filled out with opinions on each other.
“Who is the most defensive?” and “Who drinks the most?” are two of the questions. Shannon votes for herself on both and wins because she actually had received the most votes from her castmates.
Tamra is voted the biggest traitor, but we quickly find out she is not in fact THE traitor when the lights go dark, blindfolds are donned, and the real traitor points to Tamra as the first murder victim.
But oops, turns out Tamra caught a stray. The traitor, pixelated and distorted, tells the camera that she had actually pointed at Vicki but Teddi misread the target. Oh well, Shannon goes next, then Vicki – RIP, Tres Amigas.
It all descends into anarchy before the final challenge as Teddi shoves Tamra into the pool, and then reveals that Heather was the traitor all along. Vicki and Tamra are the only two to guess it was Heather, but since they’d been murdered already their votes don’t count and Heather wins as she usually does.
Elsewhere in this week’s episode:
— Shannon goes to the auto shop to have a breathalyzer installed in her car in lieu of losing her license for six months for her 2023 DUI. It’s not entirely clear that Shannon is going to be able to do this, though. When the installer tells her she has to hum as she blows through the mouthpiece, she can’t compute. “But how do you do that and breathe?” she asks.
— Katie and Jenn get together for yoga. The idea of striking poses on a yoga mat and striking poses for Matt, Katie’s husband, sends their minds straight to the bedroom.“I think her Matt is well-used,” Jenn says with a wink implied.
— Emily is getting spray-tanned in the backyard of her house and husband Shane pops out to admire his wife and the star-shaped pasties and shower cap she’s wearing. “You’ve been out here naked for a while,” he tells her. “The HOA’s gonna get called.” Oh, Orange County, you’re such a killjoy with all the covenants and restrictions.
— Tamra takes her daughter Sophia for a driving license. Say a prayer for Sophia.
